Dear MMS Community,

A recent headline in the satirical newspaper, "the Onion," reads "Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving is Risky And That You Don't Love Her Anymore."

We know the sting of parental judgment. It's inevitable. As parents, we guide and shape our children to align with the values and habits most important to us. When our children aren't in alignment with those, we tense up and they feel that tension - whether we express it in words, through audible sighs, sideways glances, mildly biting comments, or just the slight tensing of our muscles. Children can read their parents' "tells" of judgment better than anyone else.

To know my father better after he died, I read one of his favorite novels last summer - John Steinbeck's, "East of Eden." One of the central characters, Adam, is in conversation with his teenage son, Cal, who just returned home from getting in trouble.

Adam says to his son, "My father made a mold and forced me into it. I was a bad casting but I couldn't be remelted. Nobody can be remelted. And so I remained a bad casting." Adam goes on to say that his father, "didn't allow me to be a person, and I haven't seen my sons as people" Adam then asks Cal, "Maybe you can tell me what kind of a boy you are - can you?" And Cal does.

What was the impact of this conversation on his son? "Adam's recognition brought a ferment of happiness to Cal. He walked on the balls of his feet. He smiled more often than he frowned and the secret darkness was seldom on him."

There come moments and stages in parenting when it is essential that - even for a single conversation - we get quiet. Really quiet. And we listen powerfully and we witness and we love completely who our child is. For a moment, to drop all of the ways we want them to be different. That list of possibilities is endless: we want them to be more or less social, creative, coordinated, daring, bookish, sensitive, orderly, spontaneous, fit, studious, athletic, musical, intellectual, humorous, thin, etc., etc. And here's another truth: our children yearn for our love and elated acceptance. Can we give them this? Even just a sincere moment of offering this gift, it can last a lifetime.

What does this gift give our children? Two gifts really: the balm of that universal yearning for love and delighted acceptance from their parents, and confidence in their core. By witnessing clearly our children and delighting in their natures, it tells them that fundamentally, the kids are alright. In an era when anxiety and depression in youth, even elementary-aged children, are at all-time highs, feeling fundamentally alright in their own skin and being has weighty, substantive, resilience-giving value for our children.

Of course, for most of the rest of the time, we will guide, push and set expectations, and insist on behaviors and values. That's our parenting job and let's not abdicate it during our time to raise our children. However, if there is anything good this global pandemic has forced us to do, it is to remember what matters. What really matters. Ensuring our children know in their core that they are seen clearly and loved and accepted powerfully, joyfully, fully, by their parents. Few things matter more.

All the best, MMS,

Sam